I have never been in good shape. Even before I was overweight, I wasn't able to run to save my life nor was I very coordinated. Add in emotional eating from coping with a miscarriage, a sedentary office job, and two pregnancies. That should paint a pretty clear picture of how not in shape I am.
I have always wanted to be my best self. I know it would be better for me in the long run. I know I would look and feel better. But it wasn't until the birth of my second child that I really decided I wanted to do something about my lifestyle.
My first pregnancy was pretty easy, but the delivery was hard. I had gestational diabetes and my baby measured large, so they induced labor. I ended up having a c-section anyway. Recovery was long and took months.
With my second pregnancy, I wanted to be much healthier. I had gestational diabetes again. However I was a stay at home mom to a very active little boy. Instead of a cushy office job and resting whenever I wanted, I was always on my toes. I did a lot of cleaning, toddler chasing, going up and down the stairs, and tons of walking. I managed to only gain 12 pounds, but all the excessive movement paired with being in bad shape led to me breaking my water a month early.
I ended up having to have a c-section again. It however did not go well. My size paired with scar tissue from my first c-section made it very hard for the doctors to extract the baby. My son was delivered, but had to be sent to the NICU because his lungs were not fully developed and his breathing was labored.
After the delivery my doctor came in and talked to me. She told me that she wouldn't be able to do another c-section on me in the future. I was still in shock over my baby being taken to the NICU so it didn't register right away that she was telling me I probably shouldn't have anymore children.
Being told you probably shouldn't have more children when your child is in the NICU is heart wrenching. All of the worst scenarios run through your mind. I feared losing my child. I feared not being able to have another.
After my release from the hospital, I was eventually able to talk to my doctor at length about what she said. The doctor explained that we were lucky that my last baby didn't need immediate medical attention. If he had needed to be removed quickly, they wouldn't have been able to do it.
My size and lack of endurance led to my baby's life being endangered. Had I been healthy, he more than likely would have been full term. He probably wouldn't have had to spend time in the NICU. I could have had the time with my newborn that I missed.
The guilt of knowing that I put my child at risk is immense. It is a burden I no longer want to bare. The thought that my health could keep me from having another child is just too much.
To heal these wounds, I must change my life. I have pledged to myself that I will do all it takes to be healthier for myself and for my babies.